Shire Network News #172: Colonel Gordon Cucullu

Shire Network News #172 has been released. Quite a while ago, actually.  The feature interview is with retired US Army special forces Colonel Gordon Cucullu about the effects of Obama Derangement Syndrome on the conservative side of politics in America. Click here for the show notes, links, and ways to listen to the show; directly from the web site, by downloading the mp3 file, or by subscribing with your podcatcher of choice.

Below is the text of my commentary.

Hi, this is Doug Payton for Shire Network News asking you to "Consider This!"

In order to pay some of the bills around here, we’ve decided to take money for advertising.  Yes, I know, it’s the whole "selling out" issue that free web sites, free games, and yes, even free podcasts eventually grapple with.  But to bring you the best in Anglospheric news, interviews and general jocularity, sometimes things start costing actual money.  Hopefully, this won’t be a regular thing.

Interestingly, our first on-air sponsor is the United States Food and Drug Administration.  The FDA is trying to get the word out on a new program of theirs, so I hope that this is informative, if a bit American-centric.

>ahem<

Food.  Necessary for all human life.  Source of nutrients, fiber, protein and all the things that keep us going and thriving.

Hi, we’re the Food and Drug Administration — the FDA — and we’d like to inform you of a new and generous program brought to you by the Obama administration.  We call it "Social Groceries", and we’d like to explain it to you.

Clearly, the profit motive in the food industry has caused untold damage to our culture.  Every day, children go hungry.  Adults, too, but we’d like to focus on the children, mostly because they’re more sympathetic.  The availability of food is often tied to employment; if you lose your job, you can no longer buy food.  Well, unless you have savings, but who saves money anymore? 

And yet there are huge corporations making mountains of money getting rich off of selling you the very staples of life; rice, corn, milk, Alaskan King Crab legs, and a Starbucks cafe mocha latte.  Supermarkets are filled with food while over 36 million Americans are hungry. 

You may say, "Well, there are programs like food stamps and WIC that allow the poor to buy food."  That’s like saying that the poor can go to emergency rooms for access to health care.  It’s true, but we think there’s a better way of doing things.

Enter "Social Groceries".  Under this new program, anybody who can’t afford food will be able to get whatever they want, and it will be paid for by the US government.  And by "the US government", we mean "you".  If you like your grocery store, you can keep it, but the minute you stop in to the nearby convenience store, you will then be required to shop only at stores providing a predetermined amount of coverage … er … selection.  Also, the government will open up grocery chains that will undercut prices at existing chains until they can no longer compete.  We won’t force any food provider out of business; we’ll let them decide when to do that on their own. 

But we think you’ll agree that when the government decides what to stock on the shelves, it will all be much more equitable.  No, you can’t decide what items to buy; you’ll have to choose from our menu.  Still, what’s a loss of freedom in exchange for the guarantee of "grocial security" for generations to come?  We’re the government; we can guarantee that.

It is true that we’ll all have to sacrifice for the good of the many.  Special nutrition panels will have to decide whether it’s worth feeding grandma that Porterhouse steak, or if she could get by on pork and beans.  But it’s all for the greater good.

And we should know.  After all, "food" is our first name.  We’re the Food & Drug Administration, where our motto is, "Isn’t food more important than health care?"  We think you’ll like "Social Groceries", just as soon as we can sneak it into the next emergency spending bill.  Thank you for your support.  Or not.  Whatever.

Well then, I hope you found that commercial at least informative, and we at SNN ask you to consider this.  (Perhaps we should stick with contributions on the website.)

Filed under: Government • Humor

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