ScrappleFace nails i…
ScrappleFace nails it again.

The U.S. Navy on Saturday will commission its newest nuclear-powered attack submarine, the Jimmy Carter, with many new features, including multiple-warhead Nerf missiles.

President Carter, who brought peace to the middle east, vigorously defended America’s right to give away the Panama Canal and, in 1994, convinced North Korea to abandon talking about its nuclear weapons, said he’s honored to have his name on “one of the most powerful peacemaking devices on earth.”

I hadn’t heard about this until Scott Ott’s satire of it, but the Navy did in fact commission its newest nuclear-powered attack sub the “Jimmy Carter”. This sentence from the linked news story just makes me chuckle.

As the most advanced submarine in the class, Jimmy Carter will have built-in flexibility and an array of new warfighting features that will enable it to prevail in any scenario, against any threat from beneath Artic ice to shallow water.

Jimmy Carter never really had many “warfighting features”, so this sentence just reads rather funny. So does this one:

The [multimission platform] will enable Jimmy Carter to accommodate the advanced technology required to develop and test a new generation of weapons, sensors and undersea vehicles for naval special warfare, tactical surveillance and mine-warfare operations.

I get this vision of President Carter, as he took refuge in Jordan, “monitoring” the recent Iraqi election, with this huge platform mounted on his shoulders with missiles, antennae, and a mini-sub all attached. “Mr. President, I’d like to introduce you to…oh, uh, Mr. President, please don’t get up.”

Maybe it’s just me.

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